BDSM & Feminism: Do they mix?
Yes. Yes they do!
While it may be hard for others to imagine how power-play fits into a respectful relationship among equals, or it may be easy for some to assume a feminist would only take one role in BDSM sexual intimacy, you couldn’t be more wrong.
What is BDSM? It’s a blanket term used to refer to the various kinks encompassed in bondage and sado-masochist sex. BDSM includes power-play (dominant and submissive roleplay or lifestyle commital, i.e. 24/7 master/slave kinda deal.) I will discuss a few different areas of BDSM sex and lifestyle and how well it all jives with promoting women’s equality.
FIRST: If you have ANY history of sexual abuse, rape, assault, or sexual trauma PLEASE talk with someone trained to deal with victims of sexual abuse before exploring the world of BDSM. Often, kinks can actually be a way of your brain reliving trauma, a weird coping mechanism. Please, please PLEASE get help. Sadly, the extremists in the BDSM culture have capitalized on women reliving past abuses and this is very much NOT COOL with this feminist! If you would like help finding resources in your area just send me a email at FeministsDIB@gmail.com
Now that is out of the way…
Lifestyle Domination & Submission; A slippery slope of sexism and mysogyny.
Lifestyle domination and submission involves one party in the relationship becoming the “master” or dominant partner and the other becoming the “slave” or submissive. Lifestyle d&s involves a complete dedication to the roles of dominant and submissive, 24/7. Often, women are the ones subjugated to the “slavery” but sometimes men become the submissives in these relationships. But one theme remains the same: Demeaning, demoralizing, and degrading the submissive party. In the case of male submissives an extra emphasis is placed on feminizing the man, or sissifying. The underlying message is clear: Femininity is weak, masculinity is strong. Often, the submissives in these relationships are victims of sexual traumas in their youth.
Bondage: “Sorry, i’m a bit tied up at the moment.”
To some, bondage (especially the kind I am so fond of, woman tied up bondage) could seem a very anti-feminist, violent sex act. As a bondage enthusiast, let me assure you, you couldn’t be more wrong. First, bondage is about trust. I 100% agree that bondage between two untrusted partners, or any non-consensual bondage, is a big no-no for feminists everywhere. But for a woman who is being tied up, the reality is she is 100% in control. The safe word is in place (Mine is Blue!), the rules are understood. The man typing her up knows where he can take things and what things are strictly taboo. The entire act is loving: The ritual of binding, the tying of knots, the kisses and strokes from your approving lover. While bondage is a sexual kink not designed for all lovers, for those who enjoy it, it works out well. Warning: Ease yourself into bondage. Going all out your first go can put you in a place where you feel out of control and it will ruin the act for you. Start small. Work your way up to hog tying :P
Rough Sex: The thin line.
There is a razor thin line between rough sex, and violent sex. Kinky rough sex talk, and down right disrespectful abusive sex talk. Luckily, the line is easily seen. Ask yourself this: DO I ENJOY THIS? Do the words your partner uses excite you, or hurt you? Is the point to sound erotic and x-rated or to demean and humiliate? In addition to bondage, I am a fan of rough sex, but this is also something my boyfriend and I discussed at length before really exploring. We agreed on spanking being fun, but agreed as well that our spanking would never be about punishment or humiliation, but sexual exhilaration. We both adore the kinky pillow talk, but never ever are our words meant to demean or humiliate the other. The main point is the rough sex becomes anti-woman when the woman ceases to really truly enjoy it.
Power play: Who’s on top this time?
True feminist power-play goes both ways. No woman or man is a BORN submissive just as no woman or man is a BORN dominant. Fact is we all have our submissive and our dominant moments. If you enjoy power play, does it go both ways? If not you may want to re-examine the roots of your interest in power play, especially why you prefer the role you prefer. Dominant and submissive power play can be damaging if it isnt balanced. History can show us all that human beings do not like to feel oppressed and owned. If one part of the couple is always the submissive and one is always the dominant, both are denying themselves essential psychological needs. While, in our hetero-normitive world, it may seem natural for a man to be the sexual panther seeking his “prey” the fact is many men may want to relax and enjoy a night where they are told exactly how to please their partner. Just as many women would enjoy the same luxury in being in charge, seducing, and enticing. (I speak mainly from the hetero point of view simply for the fact I am a hetero feminist woman, and I don’t know much about BDSM from the homosexual, pansexual, bisexual standpoints :) )
Thoughts? Concerns? Did I leave something out? FeministsDIB@gmail.com
40 Days for Clinic Harassment and Lies →
Some things you should know about 40 Days for Life, and how you can get involved to help out your local clinic:
- Some “vigils” are more disruptive than others. This is why it’s important to contact your local clinic and ask them what kind of help they need. They may need or want escorts or counter-protesters, they may need extra volunteers, or they may want you to stay at home and fight 40 Days’ misinformation in other ways. Please respect your clinic’s wishes. I know it’s tempting to get out there and engage with the vigil-holders, but if your clinic thinks it will make the situation worse, please listen.
- If you’re not able to call your clinic or to engage directly with 40 Days, please do whatever you can to help! You know that during these 40 Days, #prolife is going to be extra active, and #prochoice should try to be as well. The best way to shut down misinformation is to refute it - over and over again.
We can do it, #ProChoiceAvengers! Remember, these people are not just a benign prayer vigil - their goal, no matter how peaceful they act, is to shut down clinics and reduce access to abortion. So get involved, however you can! Counter-protest. Escort. Tumblog. Tweet. Write to your local newspaper. Support your local targeted clinic.
Stand up for choice, however you can.
Sex Toys: What EVERY Woman Should Know
What is a sex toy? A sex toy is essentially ANYTHING you use, other than your own body parts or those of another person, to stimulate yourself sexually. Most commonly, people think of vibrators and dildos when they hear the term. The world of sex toys stretches far and beyond simple vibes and dongs.
Who uses sex toys? EVERYONE.
What kinds of sex toys are in existance? If you can dream it, they’ve probably made it. The most common sex toys people buy can be summed up in a few categories:
- Vibrators: Some are small, some are big, some are egg shaped, some are penis shaped, some are long and phallic, some short and stubby. ALL VIBRATE. Some work on batteries and some work with a cord. No matter what your preference, there IS a vibrator somewhere for you!
- Cock Rings: For all of my hetero sisters, a cock ring can be the ANSWER to any issues with lost erections or fast ejaculation by your partner. Proper fit is important so that the penis and testicles do not get bruised. Caution is needed not to wear the rings too tightly or for an extended period of time, since they act as a tourniquet limiting blood flow and can cause severe damage to the genitals.
- Dildos: While some dildos come with vibrators, a dildo, in the traditional sense, is a fake penis or phallus shaped item meant for penetration of the vagina, anus, or even mouth. Dildos AREN’T for everyone. A penis shaped and textured dildo can scare away a male partner who might be curious about anal play, and can CERTAINLY scare off a woman who is looking for a sexual experience devoid of penis all together. And rightfully so. Read below for info about sex toy material safety as dildos can be made with some dangerous materials.
- Masturbators: A masturbator is a sleeve men can use to masturbate with and mimic the feeling of a vagina or anus or mouth. BIASED OPINION FOLLOWS: They are creepy and most close male friends and my current partner agree. In the words of my boyfriend “Well, it feels kinda like a vagina, but cold and fake. And I feel creepy using it”. Perhaps I need to adopt a new attitude because I suppose a dildo or vibrator could seem creepy to an outsider as well. To each his own. AGAIN, be careful with materials! Read below!
- Restraints: Cuffs, ties, ropes, even latex bodywear! These toys are not for beginners and certainly NOT for everyone. NEVER engage in restraint/bondage or latex fetish play with an untrusted partner. NEVER.
- BDSM Toys: These toys fall into the following categories - Bondage (restraints), Sado-masochism/Domination and Submission (leashes, whips, paddles, all are VERY controversial concepts in feminist sexuality. I will cover this in a future post). AGAIN, BDSM play should be approached WITH CAUTION and with a TRUSTED PARTNER after lots of conversation about it.
- Lotions: Various lotions and potions are marketed for use with sex. Just follow these rules: Keep ANY petroleum based lotion (mainly, most lotions and massage oils) AWAY from your vagina and your latex condoms. Keep ANY lotion that has sugar (or any food for that matter) AWAY FROM YOUR VAGINA. Petroleum based lotions will break down latex and sugars will give you a rowdy case of some vaginal infection.
- Lubes: Silicone is your BEST BET in lube. Condom safe AND lasts longer during use. WATERPROOF if you want to get frisky in the shower but know how dry and uncomfy that sex can be! Next best bet, and the cheaper more widely available option, is WATER BASED. And thats it. Water or silicone based.
Know what your toy is made of? You should. Many materials can harbor bacterias and cause vaginal infections. Also, some materials can be toxic and have been suggested to increase your risk for cancer.
- Silicone: A safe bet. Silicone is not porous and is easy to clean. IF YOU BUY SILICONE TOYS DO NOT USE SILICONE LUBE! It will LITERALLY melt your toy! You can boil silicone toys but do not boil a toy with a built in vibrator. You can also clean with antibacterial soap and water or even running your toy through the dishwasher! (Only if it is 100% waterproof)
- Jelly Rubber: These toys may FEEL better, but they CANNOT BE DISINFECTED. They can be cleaned, but bacteria usually remains. Often contains latex so do not use if you have a latex allergy. Or, just dont use.
- Vinyl: Often used on toys like the rabbit: Vinyl is still pourous, so try to avoid these toys. If you do use them, use them with a latex or polyurethane condom.
- Hard Materials: Metals, glass, acrylic, ceramic. Glass is actually the new revolution in sex toys! It retains heat, is easy to clean and disinfect, and is often a piece of artwork! The price might set you back, but its a fun investment. :)
- Other Materials: If a toy is made of a rarer material, they will tell you, and the price will reflect the quality of the material. The rarer materials are often ones designed to be non-porous and non-toxic.
Where can I get some awesome, safe, feminist-friendly toys?
Good Vibrations Smitten Kitten
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